


Bittersweet Genesis (or How to raise Antichrists, By A.Z. Fell and Anthony J. Crowley)

by WeAreStarStuff



Series: Ineffable Parents [1]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Accidental Baby Acquisition, Aziraphale and Crowley are Adam and Warlock’s parents, It is a universal truth that these two will flub the apocalypse, M/M, do not repost to another site
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-28
Updated: 2019-11-26
Packaged: 2020-10-25 11:16:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20723327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeAreStarStuff/pseuds/WeAreStarStuff
Summary: Another Crowley and Aziraphale try to raise the Antichrist fic.Crowley has a change of heart and decided to take the Antichrist with him to see Aziraphale. Only problem? When he gets back to the hospital there’s another baby in the room.Oh well. Plan works just as well with two.





	1. Chapter 1

There is a book shop In Soho surrounded by rumors and myths. Some more true than others.

Yes, it had been owned by the same proprietor since it opened in 1800.

No, said proprietor was not a vampire.

And yes, it was possible to get in the door, just highly implausible.

And If you did get inside, you should bring a ball of twine or something because you are not escaping this literary labyrinth by yourself.

Suffice it to say, the locals knew A.Z. Fell’s was not of this earth. But despite all the outlandish theories only was even mildly correct.

A recovering addict once theorized that the proprietor was the Archangel Raphael. Who came to him in his hour of need and gave him shelter, tea, and somehow his withdrawal was surprisingly- well not painless, per say, but not as painful or as dangerous as it should have been. He then gave him self help book to help him start on his way.

The addict was almost right. He was an angel, though just a simple Principality. A paper pusher. That’s all really.1 Nothing so grand as an Archangel. And the Raphael thing...that was complicated 2.

Just simple Angel trying to run a business. Nothing more.

Well most of the time anyway.

Tonight however, he found himself pacing the shop and itching at his wrists. Over the years he had cultivated a “Crowley is up to infernal shenanigans” sense 3. It started as a light tingling in his fingertips this morning, and has since graduated to a full blown invisible rash.

It hadn’t bothered him this much since Crowley had his little M25 brainstorm. That paired with Gabriel’s cryptic warning about “things being afoot” told him something really evil was going on tonight.

If he knew Crowley, he would be arriving shortly to gloat. So he snapped his fingers to fill and turned on the kettle.

There was a loud sound like broken wood. And Crowley walked in right on schedule.4 He was holding a large picnic basket. He looked unusually pale. “I hope you’ve got something a little stronger than tea lying about angel.” He said, faintly.

Aziraphale was about to grab a nice red to start the evening off, when he heard a small mewling from the basket.

“Crowley,” He asked cautiously, “what’s in the basket?”

Crowley handed him a glass of the aforementioned Red wine. “Better drink up. We’re entirely to sober for this.”

Aziraphale took it gratefully as Crowley nestled into his favorite chair. He brought it to his lips when heard a different mewling from the basket.

“Alright, What have you done!” Aziraphale opened the lid and nearly dropped it when he saw what was inside. “What the-Crowley there’s babies in there! What is going on!”

Crowley had the decency to look sheepish. “It’s the Antichrist. Well one of them is.

“I was just going to leave him at the hospital with the Satanists, I swear! But then I dropped the basket and I saw him! He’s just so little and they were going to hand him off to American diplomats and not even nice ones! The dad was already one of ours and the Mum is on the precipice!

“Besides, I was thinking it over on the drive over here! We can stop it! See to it that the little tike grows up naturally! We can see to it that he grows up naturally. Neither good nor evil you see?”

“And why would help with that? Endless heaven would be nice from my standpoint.”

“Don’t lie angel. You are as suited to a harp and halos as I am to horns and a pitchfork!”

“Oh, I actually play-“

“You know what I mean! Come on angel, you won’t last five minutes up there! No gourmet restaurants, no smoking5 , no crosswords! Just Sondheim, and Elgar and Liszt! And hell wouldn’t be any better you know. Heaven? Hell? They’re both empty, Angel.” At some point the demon had gotten up again and was now practically crooning into his ear, “All the puddings and Mozarts are here.”

Aziraphale buried his face in hands. He had a point, but he couldn’t just say that. So instead he focused on a much safer question.

“Wait. Why are there two?”

Crowley made few inhuman noises. “Well you see I didn’t immediately decide to just take him. I was halfway to the car when I had something of a change of heart, but by the Time I got back, there was a second baby in the room and-.”

‘You don’t know which one it is, do you?”

“It’s not that easy, you know!” He sulked.

Aziraphale tried to examine the babies, but anytime he thought he might sense something from them it got away from him. Skittering away like a bead of mercury from under his finger.

How strange.

“He’s got an automatic defense thingy.” Crowley explained. “Suspicion slides off of him like water off a-“ He paused for a moment, “whatever it is water slides off of.”

Crowley picked up the smaller one of the two.

“I'm thinking of calling this one Warlock. He looks like a little Lord of Darkness.”

“I guess I’ll name this little one then.” The Angel picked up the other baby and thought long and hard for a few minutes.

A name was important after all, for Names had a power all of their own.

“Adamah.” He finally said, “Adam for short.”

_Adamah for the Earth you will learn to love and protect. You will not be an ending. But rather a new beginning like your namesake. _

“So I trust you have a plan?”

“Have you ever seen the Disney version of sleeping beauty? There are these fairies who raise the princess as their own to stop a prophecy!”

Aziraphale took a deep breath, “Because trying to prevent a prophecy always works out.”

“Yeah, but we’re an angel and a demon. we’re loads smarter than some nobody fairies! 6”

He finally took a drink of the wine on the table.

“Fathers!” he grinned, “well i'll be damned,”

“It’s not so bad when you get used to it.”

1

That wasn’t _strictly true_ though. They may have taken his bottom pair of wings, but sometimes, when the night was too quiet he could still feel the thrumming of cherubic power running through his veins. Reminding him that he was something more… deadly than that.

  
2.The whole Archangel Rafael thing was an alias thought up by a demon named A.J. Crowley. It just wouldn’t do for word to get out that a demon was out helping people. And he just sort of… panicked really. But more on him later.

  
3 3.The product of a night in Spain during the inquisition that both parties refuse to think about, let alone speak of. Aziraphale first noticed it in the eighteenth century during right before that whole mess in the Netherlands with The tulips. If you’re curious Crowley has a “Aziraphale is doing stupid shit for snacks again” sense.  
.4There he is!

  
5. Smoking is perfectly harmless to immortal beings who don’t actually need lungs or other organs to function. You are human and have no such luxury. Please do not smoke.

  
6. Aziraphale desperately wanted to mention the leprechauns, but the Arrangement explicitly stated he would stop mentioning the leprechauns.


	2. Chapter 2

Aziraphale awoke the next morning with a raging hangover. A fact which was strange as he normally willed himself sober before losing consciousness.

“Ducks!” He looked down to find Crowley laying on the floor. “They’re what water slides off of!”

Aziraphale wanted to retort but just then he was interrupted by a loud wailing from a large bassinet in the corner. a second wail soon joined it like an obnoxious harmony.

And they been so cute last night too.

Oh. So adopting the Antichrist and a strange human child wasn’t a ridiculous hallucination.

He walked over and picked up baby Warlock. (Probably the Antichrist?) Babies, he learned, were much floppier than expected.

“You’re holding him wrong.” Said Crowley still on the floor, “gotta ssssuport the head.”

He managed to get himself upright and picked up the other one. “Like this.”

Aziraphale adjusted his hold.

“So we’re really doing this.” He said, turning a nearby wine bottle into a baby bottle of formula.

“Guess so,” Crowley swallowed thickly, “last chance for second thoughts?”

“Would it make any difference what you do if I did back out?”

“Not really.” Crowley said.

“Well there you have it. At least this way I can keep you from doing anything rash.

Besides, this is hardly stranger than that time in Dublin.”

The baby turned away from the bottle, having drank his fill.

“Now the real issue is what do we intend to do with these children?”

“Well the way I see it, with my bad Influence and your good influences, the brat might just turn out neither!”

That … wasn’t the worst idea his friend ever had.

He had gone along with far worse.

“Well, I better make sure you don’t traumatize the poor children.” Aziraphale had moved on to burping the baby. “But wherever shall we go? We can’t stay here. My side will find us in an instant!”

As it turned out, Crowley had a collection of safe houses scattered across the world. 7

***

Two hours later, a man and his wife got off a plane in Paris with their two newborn sons.

Perhaps if the harried TSA agent was paid more, she would have noticed that their conversations were a little odd. The heavy set woman wore a dress fashionable a Hundred years ago, and spoke nervously about someone named Gabriel and Heaven.

She rolled her eyes. Religious types. What can you do?

***

Two single mothers landed in Prague a week after.

Two single fathers landed in budapest a month after that.

***

Aziraphale was forced to admit, their Arrangement was working perfectly. Well, as perfectly as any plans involving small children can go.

The two boys quickly progressed from pink blobs in an unbreaking eat sleep defecate cycle to pink blobs who sat upright and babbled and eventually walked, and used recognizable words!

Aziraphale as to the surprise of no one became “Da” but Crowley to the surprise of all became “Mum” 8

.

Aziraphale taught the boys their letters, and music 9

and the beginnings of fencing fencing. Not to mention the Art of the cutting compliment/insult in disguise.

Crowley taught them maths, and told them about Leonardo Da Vinci, and taught them science related topics ike basic astronomy and what happens when you put sugar in your homophobic neighbor’s gas tank 10

.

Around the time of their fifth birthday, the “twins” were already on their way to becoming well rounded little gentleman with a predilection for terrorizing the sweet little French Village where they were currently residing.

Aziraphale quite liked this place. And felt he would be quite sad to leave it. He had the feeling the boys were feeling much the same. They had really cranked up their mischief these days.

A play date with the other village children felt in order. Maybe help them get out some destructive tendencies.

Not long after arriving, The boys found two other boys to play with already babl to each other in that strange Language of the very young 11

. And Aziraphale found a nice bench.

he moved to sit down and that’s when he felt it.

Something long and hard and Metallic in his back pocket.

He pulled it out.

A spatula. He recognized it. Fussy and platinum, Crowley had been very fond of the set it came from and he was going to be terribly put out when he caught on that it was missing.

How?!

“Why?” Aziraphale whispered, “why did they put a spatula my pocket?”

Clearly the boys needed this outing.

He reached into his coat and was pleased to find his book untouched. He settled into the bench and began to read.

He had just gotten to the part where Jack Worthing had decided to “kill” Ernest and do away with his double life, only to find his friend masquerading as the aforementioned Ernest. And that’s when he heard it. A familiar voice calling it out his name.

“Hello Aziraphale!” Said Gabriel.

Gabriel was standing before him in all is glory. His grey three piece pressed to perfection. Not a hair out of place. Sharp enough to cut.

He smiled so beatifically Aziraphale felt the corners of his own mouth force upward. He hated this. The forced happiness. It felt wrong. Counterfeit. And yet he craved it like a narcotic.

He saw the children run up to him and felt the fear catch in his throat. Thick and dry, it coated his mouth like those horrible little Chicken MC nuggets that Crowley introduced them to in New York.

Suddenly Gabriel frowned. “You know, it’s the strangest thing,” he said, “I can’t remember for the life of me remember what brought me here.”

Aziraphale gave a small shrug. “Perhaps it’s the new track? It’s quite nice. The council just put it in.”

“Must be.” He didn’t seem convinced. “What about you Aziraphale? You definitely don’t run.”

“I’m simply enjoying my book. I have accrued a decade’s worth of vacation time after all.”

“Yeah, but did you have to pick a place with so many ...kids?” He glared at Warlock but who had grabbed his coat pocket (but failed to notice Adam on the other side). Aziraphale felt bile rise in his throat. 12

He forced himself to calm down. Sending the children away would do no good. Pulling them in close to shield them would be equally pointless. He desperately wanted to believe that Gabriel would not kill the children simply because he, a lowly Principality, liked them, but a voice that sounded suspiciously serpentine laughed in his ear.

_Heaven? Care about a couple kids? Where have you been Angel?_

He had nothing but his words. He hoped they would be enough.

“Some would call children a blessing.” Said Aziraphale. “And blessings are our business.”

Gabriel laughed and Aziraphale relaxed a little.

“That’s a good one. I’ll have to remember that one.”

The Archangel turned around to leave . “Enjoy your vacation time, Aziraphale! See you at Armageddon!”

That’s when Aziraphale saw it.

Sticking out of Gabriel’s immaculate suit pocket was a spatula. 13

Then Aziraphale remembered what Crowley had once said about the Antichrist being able to avoid detection. And suddenly he just knew wherever they moved next, They wouldn’t be found.

***

The tiny village of Tadfield was absolutely buzzing with gossip these days. First, not one but two of the local primary school teachers left to pursue their passions as an astronomer and an actress respectively.

Second, two new teachers emerged almost immediately to replace them. To teachers who live together and have twin sons. Two male teachers.

There was Dr. Fell 14 who taught English and very much looked the part of a sweet doddering professor although, his soft words and appearance padded his iron core of brutal exams and copious amounts of homework.

And there was Dr. Crowley a rising star in the Astrophysics world. He had made waves after starting an argument with Several of the best and brightest at a conference a few years back. He looked like the antithesis of Dr. Fell. Dark clothes and hard, sharp lines. And a predilection towards loud music and heels.

Then there were the twins themselves. 15 Warlock and Adam, the unofficial princes of Tadfield.

Warlock Fell-Crowley was a bookish boy who analyzed comics like they were Nietzche 16. He was also an active boy who liked football and riding his expensive bicycle. He was the only one to really be able to keep his brother in check. A power that he almost never used. He told the very best stories. And right terror with water balloons too.

Adam Fell-Crowley was chaos in a barely controlled bottle. He liked football, and climbing trees. If Warlock came up with the best stories, then he would turn them into the very best games. He had away about him that kept all the village children enraptured. Even “Greasy” Young was reluctantly charmed between gang skirmishes.

The boys and their gang had terrorized Tadfield for years.

It was enough to keep R.P. Tyler writing angry letters to the council even five years later.

“It’s not natural!” Tyler had caught the local headteacher walking her Dalmatian.

She sighed.

“For the last time Tyler, Dr.Fell and Dr. Crowley are renowned experts in their fields and it is nothing short of miraculous that we were able to snag them for our humble little school. Not to mention all the rich and influential parents Dr. Crowley knows. Did the Russian cultural attaché’s daughter started attending last year?”

“Whatever imagined slight you have against him isn’t worth upsetting that. I promise you. Besides, those boys are part angel.”

“Now good day, Mr. Tyler.”

Tyler had his guesses as to what the other half was, but he kept them to himself.

She continued her walk, leaving R.P. Tyler to gape like a fish.

***

Crowley was troubled. He and Aziraphale were baking a massive birthday cake in the charming17 cottage they were living in these days, while the boys played in the front garden.

“He’s too powerful.” Crowley said watching the Apple tree outside bow down to its tiny monarchs and offer up its fruit to them. “He’s already shaping reality in his image. And I don’t know what to do.”

“About what?” Aziraphale chopped strawberries neatly, and arranged them delicately around the whit fluffy confection.

“If things go pear shaped.”

“I’m afraid I lost my taste for pears some hundred fifty years ago.”

Crowley ignored this. “If we fail, and he comes into his power, I won’t- I won’t be able to-“ he couldn’t finish his sentence.

“I know what you mean.” Aziraphale wrapped his arms around his shaking friend. “Come what may, they’re both my baby boys. And I would do a lot to protect this world, but not that. Never that.”

“Not even to save everything?”

“Not even then.”

For good or evil, they stood with their sons.

“I guess we’re both dead then.”

“At least I won’t be alone.” Aziraphale’s lips quirked upward in a sort of quick almost smile.

Crowley brightened, “we still got another year, practically an eternity!”

Aziraphale sighed. They still had little time. He couldn’t help but feel it was a little unfair. _Her_ son got three times this.

But he had to keep faith in their plan. These boys would both live to a ripe old age if Aziraphale had anything to say about it. The Great Plan could go hang.

“So, Have you figured out which one boy it is yet?”

“I’m thinking it’s got to be Warlock. I caught him gluing coins to the ground. Strong sign of evil, that.”

_One year until the end of the world…_

* * *

7Aziraphale had scoffed at this, but Crowley pointed out that humans have this lovely little expression about how “it’s not paranoia if people really do want to kill you

  


8 Crowley was so ecstatic about this that She broke out the curls and favorite pearl earrings (a gift from an angel in the 15th century) for the next six months. She would have happily gone longer but it was time to relocate again and he had to change.

  


9 Warlock became very good at the violin and well anything to do with strings really. Adam, much to Crowley’s delight and Aziraphale’s chagrin, was a born drummer.

  


10 Aziraphale was thankfully out for the day or he would told Crowley that’s an ethics question and they had decided to wait until the boys were at least five before that.

11 A dead language to adults save for the few pop culture references like “the wiggles” or “minecraft”.

12 Also like Chicken McNuggets

13 Gabriel would return to his office unable to remember just what happened in France and none the wiser to any cooking utensils, and the other Angels just shook it off as another strange earth fashion. Like sticking a dead plant in one’s lapel.

14 Come on. You can’t honestly believe that after six thousand years He wouldn’t have gotten a PhD in _something_.

15 Though they were clearly fraternal ones, Tyler thought since they were as opposite as their “parents”.

16 Aziraphale was initially excited when he found what he thought was an adaptation of übermench and bought a few copies for the boys to help broaden their horizons. He was later appalled to find out the Superman stories were actually about a nigh invincible space alien. But ultimately found that an overpowered individual choosing to love earth above all else would be a good role model for the boys, so he indulged them whenever possible.

17

See; Kitschy


End file.
